LIVING IN HARMONY WITH PAST TRAUMA

Living in harmony with past trauma is a dance I’m learning. 

Years ago, doctors told me “You can’t ride horses anymore.” 

At 18-years-old, deeply heartbroken, I wanted to prove them wrong. Get back into the saddle, compete again, win blue ribbons, and shove the evidence in their faces. 

But… I did that already. 

And it cost me. 

I cracked 2 of my 4 titanium screws completely in half and nearly damaged my spine.

That’s what brought me back to therapy where I relearned to walk. Where I navigated how to drive, climb into bed, and reach for a jug of milk out of the refrigerator as painlessly as possible.

My life took a turn and I had to accept this NEW NORMAL. 

One that didn’t involve horses. 

Horses played a major role in my life. Even if I didn’t become a professional trainer or vet I knew I’d still ride horses for the remainder of my life. 

I couldn’t envision a future without them, so needless to say, depression hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Let’s talk about now, though.

I recently added pictures of my old thoroughbred Red back onto my cork-board. 

For years, I’d been resistant to it. 

It was reminder of what was. A reminder that even after multiple spinal procedures I still live with pain. 

I can’t ignore the trauma of the past and I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over it. But you know what? That’s ok. 

It’s ok to cry into my fiancé’s arms about the frustrations of living with chronic pain every now and again. It’s ok to get outraged once in a while. It’s ok to feel all the feels that come with trauma. 

But I want to thank and honor that season of my life for what it taught me and what I now carry into my present. Compassion. Discipline. Responsibility. Trust.

I want to live in harmony with my trauma. Be like, “I see you. Let’s learn to dance together, but I get to lead.”

How are you living in harmony with past trauma?

Take Care,
Amanda